The Myths of Dating a Disability

I'm a lot of things.


 I'm someone that has been through the trenches of gender, sexual orientation, alternative relationship structures, and non hetro-normative sex and expression.


We're living in an age where these things are becoming more common place. I've done my fair share of advocacy work in these subjects and I've experienced both the ugly and beautiful sides of these thing in our society.


Disability though is sort of is own special creature.


Disability doesn't discriminate. It doesn't hold back just because of your race, gender, age, sexuality or anything else. Disability doesn't care who or what you are. Rich or poor. Privileged or not. It just doesn't  care.


If you happen to live long enough, it'll come for you.


It'll come through the doorway of aging and disease. It'll come on the shirt tails of accident and injury. It'll come with or without prejudice.


I am a person with physical disabilities. Disabilities that I've lived with most of my life and that I didn't always have. Of all my transitions in life nothing has made me more self conscious than being someone with physical disabilities.


I know all the right things to say about it. How it doesn't define me and how anyone who buys into the myths of disability isn't worth my time and so on and so on...But none of that makes my life easier. None of that protects me from the common disappointments and let downs that come with being disabled.


Common Disability myths


Articles like this actually irritate me a little bit.


Its not that what its saying is wrong, its that articles like this ignore the reality that exists for many people with physical disabilities. Furthermore it doesn't actually provide any solutions to help people with disabilities cope with these myths themselves.


Lets talk about some of these for real. Shall we?


MYTH 1: YOU CAN'T HAVE GOOD SEX WITH SOMEONE WITH A PHYSICAL DISABILITY


First, this article is clearly aimed more towards people in wheelchairs specifically. I don't use a wheelchair on a regular basis anymore and I think this myth is trying to refer to people with lower body sensation issues either due to spinal cord injuries or any other disability or illness that might impact the sex organs, bowels, and lower extremities. This is problematic in and of itself. You don't have to be disabled in any way to experience some variation of sexual dysfunction.


But OK. Lets try to go with this. Basically what this myth is trying to say is that there are people who figure out or are told that a prospective partner has a disability and they then assume that person isn't capable of sexual activity or expression.


there's actually a couple of misconceptions that are attached to this myth. Let us look at them more closely.


Deeper reasons why someone might assume they can't have sex with a physically disabled person:

• Fear of physically hurting the other person somehow.
• Confusion or lack of education about the broader concept of human sexuality expression, sexual arousal,  physical intimacy and the definition of what sex actually is and isn't.
• Fear that mutual or individual sexual needs wont be met because the disabled person can't have sex as often, or in a way that the other party understands as sex.
• Discomfort with talking about sex and intimacy.
• Fear of knowingly or unknowingly violating consent.
• Fear of being scrutinized by others for wanting to be sexual with a person with disabilities.

Over the years I've experienced situations involving all of these issues with both men and women. I am fortunate that I'm willing and able to talk about my sexuality and sex openly enough to nip a lot of these conversations in the butt, and its true that regular communication is part of the equation for helping a prospective sex partner become comfortable, but sometimes the reality is that these issues are just too much.  When you look at these issues objectively you might realize that disability or no they are common worries many people have about sex and intimacy in general.


It always amazes me when concerned partners bring some of these issues up only to admit to me that they don't commonly worry about the same things when dealing with a typical able partner. It just floors me because really these are things that should be talked about between all partners. But fine. The fact that a person would be more vigilant with me is a guess flattering.


The most common one I get from people is this fear that they're going to physically hurt me. And I just kind of want to giggle at the idea. But I don't because it usually makes people with this concern feel bad. So I usually respond by asking them what they're specifically worried about.


 A lot of people worry they'll crush me somehow. Why? I don't know. I mean sure I'm 5'3 but I would never characterize myself as being tiny. On average I weigh 140lbs. Even a heavier male of say 250lbs isn't going to crush me unless of course you were planning to sit on my face or chest and hell if that were the case I'd worry more about suffocation than you crushing by bones into mush. Could pressure on part of my body feel uncomfortable? Sure. But if it was I'd probably ask you to move. Just like you'd probably ask me to move of my elbow was grinding into your rib cage uncomfortably. I get this one mostly from men.


If its not the weight issue then they usually or referring to the  potential of their penis hurting me or the method of getting access to my vagina hurting me. Yes, I said penis and vagina because we're all grown ups here capable of using proper physiological terms. This one is almost exclusively a male worry.


This concern hits a lot of key issues such as ones understanding of what sex is and what most think goes into orgasms and sexual satisfaction between men and women. Its usually someone worried I can't get into a missionary position for penis to vagina penetration.


I have had this be a deal breaker with partners.


And I guess my perspective is to acknowledge that for many people missionary sex involving penetration is the end all beat all of the sexual experience. Do I agree with that sentiment? Oh Jesus Christ no. But partners are either going to be willing to have a conversation about it or their not. Some people know there can be more than that and many are willing to explore what those other mysteries are but there are just as many who wont.


To those that don't want to broaden there horizons, I say good day to you.


One thing I'm not OK with is shaming people for having preferences. I'm not going to get up in a person's grill for not being interested in sex with me. If a person admits to me that my physical ability level or an aspect of my physiology turns them off then I'm going to accept that and send them on their way. However if a person goes out of their way to make me feel bad that I'm disabled. Or suggests that I am less of a person because of it. I will take issue with that. Intentionally belittling me is a completely different thing.


At the end of it I would hope that anyone wanting to be intimate with me is doing it first because they want to make me feel good. Very often sex is portrayed to be about our own pleasure with little regard for the pleasure we are capable of providing others.


MYTH 2: FIRST DATES WILL BE AWKWARD


Assuming I don't tell someone I'm disabled before I meet them? Yes, it could be awkward. If I agree to go on a date that has a problematic element to it that I don't mention or know about until I get there? Yes, it could be an awkward date. Can my counterpart still make mistakes even if they know? Absolutely. Is it wrong to ask me about my health or disability? Eh it depends on what you want to know and why.


Is having an awkward moment a bad thing? Absolutely not. Its an opportunity. One thing about dating a person with a disability is the realization that by comparison we experience "awkward" moments all the time. I have half a dozen experiences in a given day that feel awkward and the I usually just have to suck it up and deal with it.


Mistakes happen. We say or do the wrong things sometimes as people. But accidently offending or embarrassing someone is not the same thing as doing it on purpose. Often times a simple apology is sufficient enough to recover and if your a person that doesn't understand exactly why what you said or did was upsetting its wise to ask. Sometimes one or both parties can be a little over or under sensitive. But these things can be worked through if both parties are willing to work through them.


Some of my most awkward date experiences turned out to be beloved stories of humor and communication later. And other remain uncomfortable stories that I learned from.


MYTH 3 IF YOU DATE OR HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A DISABLED PERSON YOU WILL BECOME A CAREGIVER


I take particular issue with this myth in in the linked article. Here's the truth. Its possible you may become a caregiver or be expected to help a disabled partner more than you might help a able partner. But here is the thing...This is still a matter of choice.


Its also not true that all disabled people just "hire out" if they need specialized care and assistance with daily living. Personal Care Assistants are a thing and many disabled people do utilize PCA services and other assistive resources to help them live normal lives. But not ALL disabled people need this, have access to such assistance, or get all of the care they need from paid people.


I would hope that if I was in a love relationship with someone that they would WANT to talk care of me if I needed them to. Just as I would hope that if they didn't want to they would tell me so. Caregiving can be a legitimate part of taking care of anyone with a illness or disability and the reality is it can even become a deeply personal and important part of the bonding and intimacy process between partners.


What so wrong with taking care of each other?


Like anything its important for individuals to know their limits here and advocate for themselves. I would never expect someone to jeopardize their own well being for the sake of mine. You are responsible for taking care of yourself first. Also consider that just because a person is disabled doesn't mean they are incapable of taking care of themselves physically or otherwise. Also bear in mind that they are also very capable of returning the favor.


I've taken care of lots of partners that were more able them me. I was there for them through personal set back, and times of grief or stress, and in sickness and in health. I've had perfectly capable partners that I felt I took care of more than they ever took care of me. I've left partners because they just needed more from me than I could give and I've had partners not want to date me for fear of having to cope with my health and needs.


It just depends. But regardless, free will is still the big point here. No one is forcing anyone to do anything they don't really want to do.

MYTH 4 FREINDS, FAMILY, AND OR SOCIETY WONT ACCEPT US


Again I feel this article fails readers here because the truth is this. It IS possible that people won't support or encourage your relationship.


How do I know?


I know because I've been on the direct receiving end of ignorant and damaging behavior by people connected to the partners I've dated. Its ugly but it can happen. Not everyone has loving and supportive families. Not everyone can handle their loved one dating someone with a disability and or visible medical problems.


Is it fair or right? Absolutely not. But it is possible and I think its dangerous to sugar coat that possibility.


If you find yourself in hostile waters its important to make it clear early and repeatedly what isn't acceptable and to realize there many not be an easier answer. I can't force people to accept who I am. All I can do is make choices about who I am willing to spend time with and waste my energy on. I have broken up with partners who failed to advocate for themselves and or me regarding our relationship.


I've had people rudely and openly question my value as a person to their loved ones. I've had people try to tell me I have no right to seek loving partners because I'm disabled. I've had people tell me I have no business wanting to get married or to have children. I've had people tell me in no uncertain words that I am not a real person.


I'm a grown up of sound mind. Nobody has the right to infringe of my humanity like that. But prejudices do exist and can happen. Disabled people  are often marginalized and treated differently. But with enough patience and personal advocacy we can minimize the impact of negative people and ignorant and inappropriate behavior.


Partners will either be capable of handling such challenges or they wont and if they can't they can leave the relationship.


MYTH 5 DISABLED PEOPLE CANT LIVE NORMAL LIVES


This one depends on what you define as normal. I will never live a able bodied life. This is true. That ship has sailed. But I do and will continue to live a quality life and that's much more important. I have and can continue to have a happy life. a Fulfilling life. A liberated and complex life. Disabilities or not my life is what I make it. End of story.


People either want to be apart of my life experience or not.

The eHarmony Case

Some people might be familiar with the fact that eHarmony finally settled the terms of their discrimination lawsuit that they lost recently in the New Jersey courts. Part of the stipulations regarding the loss was that eHarmony was to either open their mother site up to the gay and lesbian minorities or erect a separate website using the same system specifically for the G&L Community. Not surprisingly eHarmony picked the later option and, as of the last day of this March, now has a working eHarmony-like site called Compatible Partners.

I would like to share my opinions and feelings regarding the eHarmony case.

First of all I'd like to acknowledge that despite what some might call a groundbreaking win on the part of the Queer Community regarding the openly Christian based dating site, there's still a great deal of discontent being expressed on both sides of the issue.

For one, there's a lot of suggestion being made by certain people and groups that the founder of eHarmony was perfectly within his rights to exclude certain people who did not mesh with his target consumer base. In this case that base consisted of straight men and women of a certain moral ideal (This might or might not have included individuals who expressed their beliefs to be something other than Christian but who still expressed strong ideals regarding marriage and parenting) that were seeking a successful long term partnerships that would lead (if desired) to marriage.

Now.

One of the many supporting arguments to this concept was that eHarmony was not unique in their choice to control their customer base. Among other things the defense for the company sighted that there exist several similar dating services through out the web that cater either non-exclusively to the public (like www.match.com) as well as sites specifically geared only to the GLBT community (such as PinkSofa which is a dating and community site dedicated to the Lesbian community specifically).

That being said the New Jersey courts ultimately struck down this argument in favor of the fact that by operating their web site within the jurisdictional of the State of New Jersey it was proven (according to the courts interpretation of the discrimination laws therein) that the web site eHarmony was in direct violation of the anti-discrimination laws within the state regarding the internet dating service. (Its interesting to note that it took three years for the courts to come to this conclusion.)

My Thoughts:

First I would like to say that I agree with the argument that eHarmony has a right to be exclusive. At its bare bones eHormony is a business whose product is matching compatible people who fit within a certain criteria that mesh with the personal ideal of which the site was founded on. In this case the founder happens to be a Christian man of the Church who wanted to take traditional Christian matchmaking and bring it to the web. Beyond any and all altruistic purposes, its a business.

As a queer woman I would , if money was no object and I wanted to employ a matchmaker to find me a compatible spouse, I would probably seek out a openly gay matchmaker who dealt solely in matching gay couples because this individual would probably be the most knowledgeable of my concerns and most understanding of my lifestyle and beliefs. If only in theory. In my mind this would be comforting to me and make me feel as if my chances of success were better.

All that being said, I also believe that in the eyes of the state court system and in conjunction with current New Jersey laws, eHormony did commit a violation punishable by the laws of that state.

Unfortunately we live in a country where protection from discrimination of any kind is still patchy at best. Therefore it becomes the responsibility of individual States and the people within to file complaints regarding equal accessibility of any business, organization, and/or institution on an individual state basis. While this might not be ideal on the whole it is a necessary reality of the current status quo. The important thing to note is that the New Jersey cases has now set a positive precedence for future cases against eHormony and businesses like it. I've heard a similar lawsuit has now been filed in California.

It might also be interesting to note that in an interview given by Neil Clark Warren, who is the primary founder and spokesman for the site, a few years ago; Warren sighted one of the reasons he excluded the gay and lesbian community from his site was that he didn't want to do something illegal.

Warren sighted that because his matchmaking service was specifically geared towards providing communication between compatible individuals leading to matrimony, he could not ethically cater to the GLBT community from a business standpoint because gay marriage is not legalized in all fifty states. I don't think I need to point out why this particular justification is...Ironic. I will say to Mr. Warren, however, that his argument it was a good try. -smirk- If I were a Christian member of the Clergy who didn't support the concept of homosexuality I might have tried the same line.

Talk about his supposed ethical high ground coming back to bite him. According to the State of New Jersey Mr. Warren's efforts in ensuring that he "didn't break the law" lead him to do just that.


Anyway.

On the flip side of all this several people within the gay community are still outraged by the outcome of the case insisting that, while New Jersey has their hearts and law books mostly in the right place, that the courts should have forced eHarmony to integrate gays and lesbians into the foundation of the original website. Their specific beef is that the current ruling creates an unsavory "Separate but Equal" situation that segregates the queer community unfairly. As a direct result many singles within the queer community say they refuse to use the new website as a matter of principle.

Let me just say right now...That I get it. I do get it but that certainly isn't going to stop me from signing up for the service which I've already done with great anticipation and glee. To those of you who wouldn't do what I'm doing I tip my hat to you respectfully and hope you'll do the same and not label me a traitor.

Personally, I feel that the greatest detriment to the arguably small, but significant, strides made in this case is the Queer community itself.

Before You Stone Me...

Yes, as a minority, we should strive for the highest possible standards that the civil rights of all people could and should afford us. But as a movement that is, for all intents and purposes, still very young in terms of their societal development within this country; I personally feel its a mistake to dismiss such tentative first steps so quickly.

Why?

some people might be wondering why I think not supporting the new site is a detriment to people, particularly those single, who are apart of the Queer Community.

For one, let me just point out the strong possibility that the founders of eHormony, and those who support their feelings and moral leanings, would love if Compatible Partners were to fail.

We have to keep in mind that if the company had its way the lawsuit would have never won in the first place and the site, separate or not, would never have been erected. Like it or not this is a win for all of us who want the kind of hope and promise that the concept of a marriage-esque compatible long term partnership affords us. The biggest threat to a tool like Compatible Partners is lack of participation.

What good is a matchmaking service without a pool of people in which to draw from? By boycotting the website simply on principle, the potential pool lessens and those that do decide to join have to worry about negative reactions from within their own lifestyle circle which doesn't help the queer community evolve positively and only perpetuates continued biases within the minority itself.

This can not be a desirable direction to take.

Particularly when you consider that as far as I know, while the stipulations of the New Jersey lawsuit says that eHarmony was required to not only provide a free six month membership to the first 10,000 (I'd have to look to make sure that number is correct) people to sign up but also guarantee to keep the site going for a minimum of five years, the company is not currently being required to advertise the website in any way.

No commercials. Nothing.

The alternative website is not even listed anywhere on the mother site (eHarmony.com) despite that the eHarmony label is clearly visible on the Compatible Partners website. If someone finds any reference on the regular eHarmony site, do let me know. So between the fact that its probable to suggest many many people who would otherwise be interested in joining the site wouldn't realize it existed, there's also a whole slew of people within the Queer community bashing the concept all together.

I find this utterly counterproductive to the bigger picture.

On top of all this, people have to remember that even though the founders of eHarmony might have lost the lawsuit in New Jersey, the fact of the matter is that from a business standpoint they're still winning regardless of how any of this pans out.

Yes, eHarmony could very well lose some of their business by being forced to cowtail to the interests of fairness in our society.

From the company's viewpoint they did their duty to the anti-gay Christian community by fighting tooth and nail against the lawsuit and they'll continue to fight it and future ones as long as its socially and morally profitable for them to do so. But no matter how you cut it, the founders of eHarmony might very well grumble about having to cater to the queer community just as surely as they'll smile to themselves as they pocket money they stand to gain from the gays and lesbians outside of that initial 10,000 who will gladly pay through the nose for the promise of being paired with someone else who could very well turn out to be their future long term life mate.

Particularly if Compatible Partners can manage to tot the same success rate they claim on their mother site. -crosses my fingers hopefully for all the single men and women out there who stand to gain-

Regardless of the romantically altruistic intentions of the service itself, whether it eHarmony or Compatible partners, at the end of the day the main goal is and always will be making the green.

And as far as I'm concerned, more power to them for it.

All I know for sure is that if nothing else Compatible Partners is just another potential tool in our ever growing dating arsenal. The way I look at it is that its hard enough to meet women who share my personal relationship ideals and relationship ambitions, that I'm willing to try anything once. Particularly when I'm getting it for free. -wink-

Love it or hate it as you see fit.

Either way, the phenomenon should prove to be interesting.

The "D" Words

Before or after reading this post I recommend readers look over this related article written by Loolwa Khazzoom.

http://dancingwithpain.com/dating-with-a-disability/#more-21

Let us get right down to it.

In my world there are two words that have the ability to literally stop me in my tracks and send me diving for the comfort of my cozy bed. Well, maybe not diving exactly. More like carefully plopping down. -smirk-

The words are Dating and Disability.

They seem harmless enough individually but when one tries to mesh them together...It's alot like mixing poka-dots with stripes. It can be done but the results aren't always pretty. I basically discovered the concept of dating later than many of my peers. As a pre-teen and younger teenager I simply had other more important and interesting things to occupy my time with.

That being said like any teenager coming of age I wasn't completely immune to the callings of nature. during my early to mid teens my chronic illness was still largely unnoticeable to other people. It was however blatantly noticeable to me and for awhile the sheer emotional strain and unyielding pain and sensitivity to touch caused me to violently recoil from human contact all together. I remember being angry more than anything else. Angry that the very gestures which were meant to comfort and sooth me were to physically painful to bear.

It should be noted that while I was in debilitating pain often, a steady diet of humor and high quality prescription narcotics largely kept me participating in the world as much as my constitution would allow. I also had really great friends during the brunt of the really bad years. Though many of them have since moved on to other things I will always be grateful for the years of memories they made with me. Really, thanks to my friends and family, some of the most painful times in my life were also some of the happiest to date.

Speaking of dating, I digress.

Now a days Chronic Pain is just a corner of the greater equation. Now I must contend with long term disability and disfigurement both of which I've learned to handle with grace and dignity up to a point. Dating still remains a confusing and delicate arena however.

No matter how confidant I am going in I'm inevitably forced to contemplate several questions:

• How much should I reveal about my condition and at what point in a new relationship (romantic or otherwise) should it be talked about?


• How do I deal with the physical and emotional needs of my partner and I in terms of sex and other physical expressions of feelings?


• How can I have a romantic and deeply personal relationship with a potential partner without placing them in a care taker type of role?


• How can I maintain healthy personal boundaries while still sharing myself freely with someone else?


• How do I meet available people if I am dependent on others for transportation and other critical life areas?


• How do I ensure my dating experiance is safe and positive?

Now that I'm entering the begining of my mid-twenties answering some, if not all, of these kinds of questions as become a full time job. Why is it sauch a big deal? It's a big deal because in spite of my Chronic Ilness and disability, I need and want fulfilling relationships to be apart of my life to.